The Best Erap Jokes (laugh or you'll be sent to jail!)

James Ryan Jonas

Erap is guilty of plunder, thus says the Sandiganbayan. He amassed millions of dollars from illegal gambling and made himself and his family rich. He will be detained or house arrested while the appeal is pending but if the decision is upheld, he will most probably spend his entire life jailed.
C’mon now, people. Give the former Philippine President a break. He may be a plunderer, but remember the times he made you laugh because of his Erap jokes?
Here are a few of those jokes and quotable quotes to help refresh your memory of the Erap we once knew.

Erap’s Quotable Quotes

(actual lines from ex-Pres. Joseph Estrada, from the book Joke ni Erap)

  • On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m between 75 and 80. 

– June 30, 1999, when asked to rate his then one-year-old administration

  • Maybe I will be willing to make up, but not kiss. 

– Asked if willing to kiss and make up with arch critic Manoling Morato

  • Why should I revamp a Cabinet that has been performing well? I think we should instead revamp those who are making these criticisms. 

– May 23, 1999, on critics of some members of his Cabinet

  • Sa aking pananaw, walang masasabi na huhuthutan ang mga mahihirap dito. Kung mahirap ka, e di wala kang pansugal.

– June 19, 1999, brushing aside criticisms by the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines that reviving jai-alai would be anti-poor

The Best Erap Jokes

(compiled from various sources)

  • DeductDefenseDetailDefeat

Erap was asked by a grade schooler to test his English ability.
Kid: Use Deduct, Defense, Detail and Defeat in a sentence.
Erap: Hmmm… DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first then DETAIL!

  • Madafaka!

While in New York, Erap accidentally bumped a man and the guy tripped.
Man: Hey, watch where you’re goin’, you MADAFAKA!
Erap: Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala e. MADAFAKA RIN SANA!

  • Cremated

While in a friend’s wake…
Erap: Jinggoy, tara na. Mauna na tayo.
Jinggoy: Dad, kararating lang natin. Ba’t gusto mo na umuwi?
Erap: Hindi mo ba nakikita yung sign, “REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED!!!” Alis na tayo!!!

  • Brief answer

Q: Why does Erap take off his clothes whenever he takes exams?
A: Because the test says, “ANSWER IN BRIEF!!”

  • Camera Flash

Man 1: Bakit ngumingiti si Erap pag kumikidlat?
Man 2: Bakit?
Man 1: Kasi akala niya, flash yun ng camera!!!

  • Beeper

Erap calls the Beeper operator.
Beeper operator: Beeper 150, message please.
Erap: Jinggoy, you left your beeper with me.

  • Choking

Erap in a hospital.
Erap: Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone.
Doctor: Are you CHOKING?
Erap: No, I’m SERIOUS!!

  • Swiss Steak and French Fries

Sa New York uli. Sa isang restaurant.
American: Waiter! One order of SWISS STEAK and FRENCH FRIES, please.
Erap: Me too! One order of SWEEPSTAKES and FIRST PRIZE.

  • Tapon

Sa eroplano.
Erap: ‘Pag ako nagtapon ng 100 pesos, 100 tao ang sasaya.
Jinggoy: Ako, pag nagtapon ng 1,000 pesos, 1,000 tao ang sasaya.
FVR: Ako, kapag itinapon ko kayong dalawa, lahat ng tao sasaya!!!

  • Octopus

Asked what impressed him most after a visit to the Sea World,  Erap says: “It’s the first time I’ve seen an octopus up close. I never realized it had so many TESTICLES.”

  • Foot

Erap (singing): You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out…
Jinggoy: Dad, FOOT yun. FOOT.
Erap: Ah, ganoon ba? Sige.
(Sings again) You FOOT your right feet in, you FOOT your right feet out…

  • Reverse answer

Erap while in grade school.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Erap: 9!
Teacher : Good! Now, what is 4 plus 5?
Erap: Trick question yan! Binaligtad niyo lang. E di 6!!

  • Erap’s Quotable Quotes

Erap’s Wisdom:
1. Don’t judge a book because you are not a judge.
2. Birds of the same feather are the same birds.
3. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.
4. Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you mine (pero ‘kaw muna!).
Laugh! Or you’ll be sent to jail! Hahahaha…

James Ryan Jonas teaches business management, investments, and entrepreneurship at the University of the Philippines (UP). He is also the Executive Director of UP Provident Fund Inc., managing and investing P3.2 Billion ($56.4 Million) worth of retirement funds on behalf of thousands of UP employees.