PMT Forum
How do you want to make money today?

Joke Only! Share your best funny jokes here!

mikoangelo · 255 · 72556

ric_TNT

  • PMT Idol 1000
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,314
    • Likes Received: +1/-0
Reply #15 on: Nov 07, 2012, 05:34 PM
NAVAL RETIREMENT BONUS:


If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

 

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That

Scares The Hell Outa Me


mikoangelo

  • VIP 3500
  • *****
    • Posts: 3,841
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #16 on: Nov 10, 2012, 01:16 PM
Funny quotes

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
Emo Philips

“My life needs editing.”
Mort Sahl

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
Charles Wadsworth

“Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
Albert Einstein

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”
Will Rogers

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
Lana Turner

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
Steven Wright

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
Phyllis Diller

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
Claude Pepper

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
Winston Churchill

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
Natalie Wood

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
Bertrand Russell

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
W. C. Fields

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
Steven Wright

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
Laurence J. Peter

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
Oliver Herford

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

“There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”
Lewis Black

“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: ‘What are you looking at?’”
Margaret Smith

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
William Lyon Phelps

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Johnny Carson

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
Sam Levenson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
Earl Wilson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Bob Hope

“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”
George Jessel

“Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.”


“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”


mikoangelo

  • VIP 3500
  • *****
    • Posts: 3,841
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #17 on: Nov 17, 2012, 05:02 PM
Questionnaire: Pakisagot ng mabuti..concentrate..

[1] Kung ikaw si Batman, sino ang bahala sa yo? Give three examples.

[2] Ano ang mas malaki? BAG NI DORA o BULSA NI DORAEMON? Ipaliwanag.

[3] Sino ang kumagat sa logo ng Apple, at bakit hindi niya ito inubos?

[4] Kung may UPCAT, bakit walang UPDOG? Elaborate.

[5] Sa produktong Crayola, ano ang pinagkaiba ng yellow green sa green yellow? Explain using logarithmic functions.

[6] Kung ang 1 kg ay may 1000 g, ilang grams naman ang meron sa Instagram? Show your solution.

[7] Kung sa Kasaysayan ng Pilipinas may “”Panahon ng Amerikano, Hapon, Kastila at Pre-Colonial”, kailan naman matatagpuan ang Panahon ng Kopong-kopong? Ilahad ang mga mahalagang pangyayari at magpakita ng archaeological evidences.

[8] If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, bakit sila nagpunta sa earth?

[9] Should you give up or should you just keep chasing pavements? Expound.

[10] Ano ang meron kay Brand X at galit na galit ang ibang brand sakanya? Explain.

[11] Masasabi mo bang fair ang Ms. Universe kung lahat ng contestants at judges ay galing sa Earth? Explain.

[12] Gaano kataas ang lipad ng Whisper with wings? Graph your solution.

[13] Kung may mag-imbento ng powdered water, anong idadagdag mo?

[14] Kung walang kamay ang mga ibon, then why do birds suddenly APIR? Ipaliwanag.

[15] Sabi ng iba, napuntahan niya na lahat ng sulok ng mundo. Paano mo masasabi na may “sulok” ang mundo kung Oblate Spheroid naman ang hugis nito? Explain and draw your answer on a 1/4 sheet of graphing paper.

[16] May nalunod na ba sa lalim ng gabi? Kung meron, enumerate.

[17] Bakit ang tawag sa *building* building kung tapos na siya? Justify.

[18] Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? EXPLAIN.

[19] Gaano kadalas ang minsan? Enumerate.

[20] How did Adele set fire to the rain? Write the chemical formula.

[21] Kapag ang ipis nahulog sa tubig na may sabon, dudumi ba ang tubig o lilinis ang ipis?

[22]Bakit pababa nang pababa ang ispaghetti? Explicate using Newton’s Law of GravitY

[23] Does the moonlight shine on Paris after the sun goes down?

[24] Kung ang nakatusok na baboy ay barbeque, ang nakatusok na saging ay bananacue, bakit ang kabayo, carousel?

[25] Ilan ang butas sa isang cracker ng skyflakes? Illustrate.

[26] Kung ang tao nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mukhang kabayo? Explain.

[27] Nauuhaw din ba ang mga isda? Ipaliwanag.

[28] Bakit pag rush hour tsaka mabagal ang daloy ng traffic? Explain your answer using sign language.

[29] Nasaan ang Edge of Glory? Write your final answer in nautical miles.

[30] In 140 characters, ibuod ang talambuhay ni Jose Rizal.

[31] Ang breakfast ba at dinner, pwedeng ilagay sa lunchbox? Prove your answer.



kithe

  • PMT Idol 1000
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,084
    • Likes Received: +2/-0
Reply #18 on: Nov 17, 2012, 05:17 PM
@miko, you answer first.. pakopya na lang.. :harhar:

Post Merge: Nov 17, 2012, 05:35 PM
"DEATHBED"

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."  :D

-------
"FROG WISHES"

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap,  I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Wahaha.. :D

« Last Edit: Nov 17, 2012, 05:35 PM by kithe »


freefront

  • VIP 4500
  • *****
    • Posts: 4,888
    • Likes Received: +9/-0
Reply #19 on: Nov 17, 2012, 08:16 PM
Thanks very much miko and kithe  :-*  *baon sa roadtrip


spidermannn

  • Forum Master 400
  • ***
    • Posts: 482
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #20 on: Nov 17, 2012, 11:47 PM
share ko lang to para sa mga OFW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At1OVpefZus&feature=watch-vrec


isipin mo nalang  ung mga sakripisyo binibigay mo para sa bansa, be proud and mangarap na sana makaipon tayo, someday di na naten kelangan umales ng pinas para kumita.


Prospera

  • PMT Idol 1500
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,911
    • Likes Received: +1/-0
Reply #21 on: Nov 20, 2012, 08:05 AM
Mwahaha, glad I sauntered over...:-D





mikoangelo

  • VIP 3500
  • *****
    • Posts: 3,841
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #22 on: Nov 20, 2012, 11:23 AM
20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Sex
.
.
1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

---

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN/MAN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...

compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money for her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...

show up naked,

bring beer.
---
PSP
.
.
.
.
.
.

Pretty Sa Picture pero Panget Sa Personal.
--

Kidnaper: magkano nyo tutubusin anak ny0?

Magulang: 500 thousand..

Kidnaper: hindi pwede kelangan may milyon..

Magulang: o cge,kalahating milyon..

Kidnaper: cge col!


mikoangelo

  • VIP 3500
  • *****
    • Posts: 3,841
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #23 on: Nov 21, 2012, 12:50 PM
Sa mga hihingi ng GIFT sken dis CHRISTMAS, narito po ang mga requirements..

1. NSO b-crtficate, 2 orig. copies

2. Baptismal crtficate, 2 copies

3. Picture as evidence na close tayo..

4. Complete formed biodata w/ four 2x2 pictures w/ red background..

5. 500 words essay kung bakit kta dpt bigyanng gift..

-Times New Roman

-12 fontsize

-double spacing

-10 copies

-ENGLISH! Wrong spelling wrong, wrong grammar is invalid..

Yan lang..

DEADLINE of submission :

DEC. 1, 2012
~
no requirements
no GIFT .


kithe

  • PMT Idol 1000
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,084
    • Likes Received: +2/-0
Reply #24 on: Nov 21, 2012, 01:15 PM
H.U.S.B.A.N.D. = He Understands situations better and never disappears.

Real men stay faithful. They don't have time to look for other women, because they are too busy loving the one they have.

When a girl cancels a date it's because she has to. But when a guy cancels a date it's because he has two.

Women are like iphones! You have to touch them all over before they respond..Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves!

Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

A boy makes his girl jealous of other women. A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.

Men are biologically more attracted to women with big butts because this indicates fertility.

The average guy spends about one year of his life just staring at women.

Boys and sleep. Two things I hated when I was little, but can't get enough of now.

Men are not like dogs. They're not nearly as easy to train.




mikoangelo

  • VIP 3500
  • *****
    • Posts: 3,841
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #25 on: Nov 21, 2012, 01:29 PM
^di naman joke yan e... :harhar:
--

Pedro: Pareng Juan, paki translate naman itong sulat galingkay Samantha penpal ko sa US hindi ko maintindihan yung sulat, english kase. Paki translate lang.babasahin ko na......

JUAN: OK.. Walang problema!!!

My dearest PEDRO

JUAN: Ikaw yun.

PEDRO: Oo ako yun...How I long for your arms.

JUAN: Pano daw humaba yung braso mo?

PEDRO: Hindi naman mahaba yung braso ko...

JUAN: 'E hindi ko alam, yun yung tanong nya....

PEDRO: The first time I saw your picture, I felt happy.

JUAN: Nilagare daw nya yung litrato mo. Natuwa daw sya nung nilagare nya..

PEDRO: Baket naman??? You have beautiful eyes.

JUAN: Pangbabae daw yung mata mo. Ayaw siguro sa pangbabaeng mata kaya nya nilagare...

PEDRO: 'E bat kailangan pang lagariin? Pwede namang guntingin nalang...

I lost your picture last week.

JUAN: Winala daw nya yung picture..

PEDRO: Sana sinoli nalang nya! But i felt glad when i saw it again.

JUAN: Natuwa daw sya nung nilagare nya ulit yung picture.

PEDRO: Akala ko ba winala nya?

JUAN: Oo nga.. hindi ko din alam.

PEDRO: even though you wrote me in Filipino, and I didn't understand your letter, I appreciate the thought.

JUAN: Kahit Filipino ka daw at hindi sya marunong magbasa, natutuwa sya na nag-iisip ka.

PEDRO: Hindi sya marunong magbasa? Tingin nya sa mga Pilipino hindi nag- iisip?

JUAN: Siguro...

PEDRO: I hope you can send me more pictures.

JUAN: Padalahan mo daw sya ng litrato ng sigarilyo

PEDRO: Baket???

JUAN: Ewan ko.. yung "More" daw.....

PEDRO: pwede naman ang champion bakit more pa! I'm sure you won't mind?

JUAN: Sigurado daw syang hindi ka nag-iisip. May smile pa...

PEDRO: Loko pala yan 'e!

JUAN: Oo nga.

Pedro: Pards, paki sulatan nga...sabihin mo lang na hindi ko na babasahin ang mga sulat nya... At hindi na din ako magsusulat sakanya! At paalam na sa kanya!

Juan: Sige sige...... eto na tapos na!!!!

Dear Samantha, I am no read, no write. ... :laugh:


kithe

  • PMT Idol 1000
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,084
    • Likes Received: +2/-0
Reply #26 on: Nov 21, 2012, 01:35 PM
^^Joke kaya yun..  :harhar:


wintan2006

  • PMT Idol 1000
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,364
    • Likes Received: +0/-0
Reply #27 on: Nov 21, 2012, 03:08 PM

   ^ Kithe, tama si Miko,inde talaga sya joke,as a matter of fact,it's a fact that "Men are not like dogs. They're not nearly as easy to train."  :D.


vhinsent08

  • Forum Champion 800
  • ****
    • Posts: 831
    • Likes Received: +1/-0
Reply #28 on: Nov 21, 2012, 04:25 PM
PAG BA ANG MGA BUNGI NAGING BAMPIRA

MAGKAKAPANGIL KAYA SILA???

 :D :D :D


Prospera

  • PMT Idol 1500
  • ****
    • Posts: 1,911
    • Likes Received: +1/-0
Reply #29 on: Nov 21, 2012, 04:39 PM
^Nanood ka ng "Breaking Dawn," vhinsent?

@kithe: I agree with miko and wintan. Those ain't jokes; they're facts! :-)


 


PMT Shoutbox

Refresh History
  • Post only questions or comments here. Advertisements NOT ALLOWED.
  • edzlpdac: goood day po sa lahat!
    Oct 12, 2019, 03:37 PM
  • bpc85: ask lng sana ako kung may makukuha ba kami ng Mama ko at ako or mga kapatid ko sa benepisyo ng aming Ama bilang membro ng AFPSLAI. thank you po.
    Sep 27, 2019, 12:52 PM
  • bpc85: Hi guys, im new here,.
    Sep 27, 2019, 12:52 PM
  • Anaperdi: Hi just want to know if meron dito who is into boundary hulog ng motorcycle? For mga riders ng courier. Pwede ba magpashare how it works? Naisip ko lang baka pwede ko ibusiness, meron na pala mga posts online pero di pa clear ang system sa akin. thank  you sa makakapansin
    Sep 21, 2019, 11:32 AM
  • Anaperdi: Hi newbie here..
    Sep 21, 2019, 11:19 AM
  • jprios: May contact ba kayo kung sakali?
    Sep 18, 2019, 06:11 PM
  • jprios: Sino pwedeng mahiraman dito?
    Sep 18, 2019, 06:09 PM
  • kfg52: Present!
    Sep 15, 2019, 07:26 PM
  • juju31: san po ba may nag papahiram dito
    Sep 14, 2019, 07:18 PM
  • juju31: hello
    Sep 14, 2019, 07:18 PM
  • FutureGizmo: Thanks julz! Medyo ganun nga trabaho namin ngayon, to monitor spam posts kasi ang daming spam bots. But thanks for reporting. Auto-ban agad ang spammers sa amin haha
    Sep 07, 2019, 12:17 PM
  • julz: @FutureGizmo si @nikkikv18 just posted more than 10 posts about porn sites. hay, spam.
    Sep 03, 2019, 01:05 PM
  • Cid_brent: sino po dyan pwede magbigay send ng paypal funds and I will pay you using gcash?
    Aug 25, 2019, 08:58 PM
  • Meghan91811: Sino po may alam about Rice Farming...
    Aug 25, 2019, 07:44 AM
  • roselove: hello po sa inyo... newbie here
    Aug 06, 2019, 03:31 PM
  • Niel Jhacoubs: Sino palaging active dito?
    Jul 30, 2019, 04:15 PM
  • dagocjasonrey: Anong update dito?
    Jul 22, 2019, 08:49 PM
  • mark_Lee: anong bago dito
    Jun 28, 2019, 01:03 AM
  • mark_Lee: balita
    Jun 28, 2019, 01:03 AM
  • Lovelyprincess72: hi everyone , I'm newbie here
    Jun 27, 2019, 02:36 PM
  • Niel Jhacoubs: Musta?
    Jun 26, 2019, 01:43 PM
  • Forexanalysis: Hello
    Jun 25, 2019, 06:33 PM
  • Niel Jhacoubs: Hello sa mga online jan! :)
    Jun 15, 2019, 02:58 PM
  • oragon: :applause:
    May 20, 2019, 03:53 PM
  • FutureGizmo: Thank you for reporting those spam posts, oragon! Spam posts now deleted.
    May 20, 2019, 01:59 PM
  • oragon: Admin kindly monitor some peps! posting and sharing inappropriate nude photos and website links
    May 20, 2019, 01:52 PM
  • @culinary10: Hello I am new here! Regarding sa bdo life insurance for 8 years, pwede pa kaya ma refund yung binayad ko na 50k last year? Gusto ko sana icancel kasi lack of financial na, last may 15 2018 po un nag start ako ng life insurance, pinili ko annually kaso etong may 15 2019 wala nako ma ipay so gusto ko sana icash out, may alam ba kayo kung pano marerefund?
    May 17, 2019, 07:56 PM
  • FutureGizmo: Hi Sonny, the posting issue is now resolved. Thanks for informing us! We're currently testing a new, mobile-ready theme so let us us know kung may problema pa sa Forum. :)
    Apr 04, 2019, 10:40 AM
  • sonny.wapak: Nakaka receive din ba kayo nito pag gawa ng new post? "Please try again. If you come back to this error screen, report the error to an administrator."
    Apr 03, 2019, 10:56 PM
  • leonine_zafiro: what product nun?
    Apr 01, 2019, 10:25 PM
  • dhondiex27: hi
    Mar 30, 2019, 10:55 PM
  • lusart: jayrob i agree 200%. hulog ng langit organico. legit na legit
    Mar 29, 2019, 09:08 AM
  • palemelch: Hi
    Mar 28, 2019, 04:08 PM
  • O.C.W._AK: Magandang Araw sa Lahat! Blessings! (",)
    Mar 28, 2019, 08:42 AM
  • thor15: hello everyone, newbie here
    Mar 25, 2019, 01:47 AM
  • captjaylo: present newbie here
    Mar 22, 2019, 10:06 AM
  • balboagilbert26: hello Guys .. Newbie here
    Mar 21, 2019, 10:55 PM
  • businesswoman2019: @jefsanity nag inquire na po ako pero di sila nagdidisclose. Yung branch po kasi na target ko, currently building pa.
    Mar 21, 2019, 04:27 PM
  • jefsanity: @businesswoman2019, much better inquire ka na lang sa admin nila.
    Mar 21, 2019, 01:51 PM
  • businesswoman2019: Hello! Any idea how much ang stall sa waltermart. 2m x 2m
    Mar 21, 2019, 08:28 AM
  • John Neil: Looking for an accredited iron foundry
    Mar 17, 2019, 03:19 PM
  • jayrob: Mark_Lee ung organico legit po yan..  Member din AQ..
    Mar 17, 2019, 12:57 AM
  • perlymelad: Hello po! Need advice, why my new MLM leaders failing?
    Mar 14, 2019, 08:51 PM
  • perlymelad: Present
    Mar 12, 2019, 07:53 PM
  • kennethmauricio: Hi saan po dito pwede mag post ng for sale properties?
    Mar 11, 2019, 07:58 PM
  • jefsanity: @mark_lee isipin mo anu passion mo at skills mo...
    Mar 11, 2019, 06:52 PM
  • sniperaj09: BAGO LANG
    Mar 10, 2019, 11:16 AM
  • mark_Lee: magandang investnent ngayon sa 30k suggest naman keo mga boss
    Mar 10, 2019, 03:07 AM
  • perlymelad: E-BOOK PO SIR @JEFSANITY
    Mar 09, 2019, 05:40 PM
  • perlymelad: @jefsanity Good Morning Po
    Mar 09, 2019, 05:39 PM