Author Topic: Jok onli.. gamot sa mga homesick na OFW (Read 50121 times)

kithe · « **Reply #630 on:** Jul 20, 2012, 01:23 AM »

Bumibili: (pasigaw) pabili pong SAFEGUARD
Tindera: (galit na sumigaw) wag kang sumigaw jan!!!
hindi ako bingi!! anong SIMCARD? globe o smart?

======

Boy: Sir apply akong sundalo!!
Officer: hindi puwede!! ang dami mong sirang
ngipin bungi bungi ka pa
Boy: bakit ser? ang gyera ba ngayon?
kagatan na?

=======

Sa sabungan walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong..
Si juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang sisiw..

Bantay: hoy!! ano yan?
Juan(galit pa) manok!! bakit?
Bantay: alam ko.. eh bakit sisiw??
Juan: heller?? may laban ang ama niya siyempre moral support..

========

titser: ang pangit naman ng name mo "conrado domingo" in short "Condom"
Pupil: ok lang po yun mam, kesa naman sa asawa nyo "Supremo Potenciano"
in short "SUPOT"..

=======

PrizeMaker · « **Reply #631 on:** Jul 21, 2012, 03:57 PM »

Infairness natawa ako.

mikoangelo · « **Reply #632 on:** Jul 25, 2012, 06:38 PM »

Return of investment?

Bading: Ibibigay ang pera sa Lalake

Lalake: Lulustayin ang pera sa Babae

Babae: Magpaparebond sa mga Bading sa parlor...

---

Juan:Pare anong phone nyo??

Jose:Apple, ikw?

Juan:Blackberry

Boni:Ako cherry lang

Ikaw peDro ano sau?

Pedro: Rambutan

---

Teacher: PEdro,bakit ka natutulog sa klase ko habang akoy nagtuturo?

Pedro: Napakalambing po kasi ng boses nyo mam,kya nakakatlog ako

Teacher: E bakit yung iba di naman sila nakakatulog?

Pedro: Kasi po hindi naman sila nakikinig sayo e!!

---
LOLO: Saan ka galing Dina?

APO: Karen po!

LOLO: Kain ka na Dina.

APO: Karen nga po!

LOLO: Virgin ka pa ba Karen?

APO: Dina po.!

---

Pari: ayaw mo na raw makipag-talik, sabi ni mister.

Misis: pagod lang po father. kasi, tuwing papasok ako sa office, sumasakay ako sa taxi. tanong ng driver,

"Misis, magbabayad ka ba O ANO?" kapos ako sa pera kaya pinipili ko "yung O ANO.Sa opisina late ako, at sabi ng boss ko.. "late ka na naman! kakaltasan ka ba sa suweldo O ANO?" yung O ANO ang pinipili ko. Pag-uwi, nakaabang sa akin yung taxi. "yung O ANO na naman ang pinipili ko. so ayun po…

Pari: sasabihin ko ba ito sa mister mo O ANO?

---

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces...

For example: I am going to the liquor store and Im scared that it's closed

ric_TNT · « **Reply #633 on:** Jul 28, 2012, 05:39 PM »

Teacher : Class, Magpapa class picture tayo para paglaki nyo
masasabi ninyo :

"Wow, si Dodong pulis na !"
"Wow, si Inday nurse na !"
"Wow, si Tomas doktor na !"

Juan : "Wow, si Ma'm patay na !"

Teacher : Umupo ka t*ngina ka.
Huwag kang sasali!.

SirZap · « **Reply #634 on:** Aug 09, 2012, 10:28 PM »

kithe · « **Reply #635 on:** Aug 10, 2012, 01:15 PM »

"Ralph and Edna - A LOVE STORY"

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.....I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health Day!

bajoyjoy · « **Reply #636 on:** Aug 10, 2012, 01:45 PM »

^LOL!

joconcepcion · « **Reply #637 on:** Aug 10, 2012, 02:52 PM »

If sex with three people is called THREESOME! and sex between TWO people is called TWOSOME, now i know why you are called " HANDSOME"

kithe · « **Reply #638 on:** Aug 12, 2012, 06:45 PM »

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Post Merge: Aug 12, 2012, 08:08 PM

A man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog
starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in danger now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never
trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

-------------------
An aggie goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
He says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The aggie says, " O my God. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."

kithe · « **Reply #639 on:** Aug 25, 2012, 09:18 PM »

A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

A cute and funny way to ask someone out….

Boy: I’m invisible!

Girl: Owwwzzz? Talaga?

Boy: Can you see me?

Girl: syempre naman!

Boy: 7 pm tonight?

American and a Filipino conversation.
American: Is that an apple you are eating?
Filipino: Yes.
American: You know, in States, only poor people eat an apple.
Filipino: Oh, is that true?
Is that a banana you are eating?
American: Yes.
Filipino: You know, in Philippines, only monkeys eat banana.

A Chinese lady can’t speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do?
Oh, dirty-minded!
Her husband can speak English!!!.

mikoangelo · « **Reply #640 on:** Sep 08, 2012, 06:46 PM »

Pinasyal ni Gorio ang kanyang kabit sa Caloocan.

KABIT : Sweetheart, gusto ko ang balbas mo, pero mas gwapo ka siguro kung aahitin mo.

GORIO : Sweetheart, alam mo namang gustong gusto ng asawa kong himasin lagi ang balbas ko. Kaya pag inahit ko ito siguradong papatayin niya ako!

KABIT : Sige na sweetie plis. Gusto kong makita kang walang balbas.

GORIO : Hindi talaga pwede sweetie...malalagot ako sa asawa ko.

Pinilit muli ng kabit si Gorio, kaya sumuko rin siya at inahit ang balbas. Kinagabihan, pag-uwi sa asawa niya sa Makati, dahan dahan siyang pumasok sa kwarto at habang natutulog ang asawa niya sa dilim , humiga siya sa tabi niya.

Biglang nagising ang asawa niya at hinimas ang mukha ni Gorio at sinabing, " Oh, Ronaldo, bakit nandito ka, alam mo namang uuwi na ang asawa ko! "
--

Mga klase ng sweldo

Sibuyas n Sweldo: Kapag hinahati hati mo sa gastusin.npapaluha ka

Pampapayat na sweldo: Hbang tumatagal,pakonti ng pakonti natitirang pangkain mo

Magic Sweldo: Konting kumpalas lang ng kamay at VIOLA!! wla na sya parang bula

Mala bagyong sweldo: Di ka sigurado kung kailn sya darating at kung gaano ito katagal

Pelikulang korni na sweldo:Tinatawanan mo nalang para di ka mabwisit

Konserbatibong sweldo: Nakakawala ng inspirasyon

Baog na sweldo: Kahit anong trabahong gawin mo,wla paring kalalabasn to...

Reglang sweldo: Isang beses isang buwan lng kung dumating at tumatagal ng 3 arw lang..

---

Attitude of SOME boys:
Nanliligaw palang: Pwede ba kitang ihatid?

Naging sila na: So, pwede na kitang ihatid everyday?

3-6months na sila na: Sige na nga, ihahatid na kita!

6months-1year: Hahatid pa ba kita?

1year up : TEXT MO NA LANG AKO PAG NAKA-UWI KA NA.
---

mikoangelo · « **Reply #641 on:** Sep 10, 2012, 12:03 PM »

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

---
Masakit sabihin ang
"I hate you"

Mahirap sabihin ang
"I'm sorry"

Lalo na ang
"I love you"

Pero pinakamahirap sabihin ang...

"iskibiritsiboooop
iskiribaaboap
blooopikiribitkiribit"

---
DALAWANG LASING NAGPATAPANGAN

(Umalis si Lasing1 pagbalik may tilamsik ng dugo sa katawan)

LASING1: kita mo yong tricycle na yon ??

LASING2: oo ..

LASING1: ginulpi ko yong driver at dalawang pasahero ..

(Umalis si Lasing2 pagbalik punong-puno ng dugo)

LASING1: astig ka .. grabe ang daming dugo .. ano nangyari ??

LASING2: kita mo yong bus na yon ??

LASING1: oo

LASING2: AKO HINDI KO NAKITA

---
Lasing 1: pare! bibilhinn ko yung MOA at LRT bukas!

Lasing 2: ayala malls at MRT bibilhin ko eh.

Lasing 3: weak! PLDT, MERALCO, BDO, LANDMARK bibilhin ko bukas!

Lasing4: kakapal ng mga muka niyo! sino may sabing binebenta ko yung mga yun?

---
SA MRT...
.
.

boy1: pare nakakahiya tau

boy 2: bkit naman?

boy1: ung matanda nakatayo, tau nakaupo.
ayokong makakita na matandang nahihirapan

boy2: ako rin....tara!

pikit tayo!

mikoangelo · « **Reply #642 on:** Sep 11, 2012, 01:51 PM »

GURO : Class , bakit kapag nag-oopera ang mga doktor , nagsusuot cla ng gloves ?

JUAN : Mam , para po pag namatay ang pasyente , walang fingerprints

---

Sabi nila........

your school is your second home.

pero bakit hindi pwede matulog?!

---

Noon: Love comes to those who WAIT.

Ngayon: Love comes to those who FLIRT

---
Sabi ng MERALCO..

may liwanag ang buhay...

Pero bakit tuwing makikita ang bill..

nakakapagdilim ng paningin???

---
5 tips for a happy man's life

TIP #1
is to have a gurl to help you @ work,

TIP #2
have a gurl to take care & love u.

TIP #3
have a gurl who can make you laugh.

TIP#4
have a gurl who spoils u.

TIP #5

The most important tip

make sure these FOUR gurls don't know each other...

----

Juan: Pare, teka may nalaglag kang pilik-mata. Dapat mag-wish ka.

Pedro: Ganun ba un? Ang wish ko sana magkaroon ako ng maraming wish.

At nalaglag ang lahat ng pilik-mata ni Pedro.

---

mikoangelo · « **Reply #643 on:** Sep 13, 2012, 12:44 PM »

A perfect example of confidence.

A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake and said: Send me a coffee in my office in 2 minutes!

Boss: (shouted) Do you know who are you talking to?

Junior: No.

Boss: I am the boss of this office!

Junior: (in the same tone) Do you know who are you talking to?

Boss: No.

Junior: Thank God!

and disconnected the phone
---

Father: Son this time, you have to score 90%

marks in your exams.

Son: No father I'll score 100% marks.

Father: Why are you kidding?

Son: Who started?

---

3 Bata sa Tambayan:

Bata 1: Uy tol!halimbawa,BINGI ako,anong kapansanan mo?

Bata 2: Hmmm.BULAG!

Bata 1: Ano?

Bata 2: Ang sabi ko bulag!

Bata 1: Huh?

Bata 2: Bulag nga eh!kulet ah!

Bata 3: (binatukan si Bata 2) Sigaw ka ng sigaw diyan,eh BINGI nga yan,PRANING!

---

A Japanese throw his phone to the sea....

PINOY: sus, sayang...
JAPANESE: We had a lot of cellphones in Japan..

A lady from U.S.A also throw her Laptop to the sea..

PINOY: naku ! sayang !
A LADY FROM U.S.A SAID: There's a lot of laptop in U.S.A

Pinoy kept silent coz he got nothing..Then a beautiful lady came to join him...Pinoy pushed the girl to the sea...Everybody shocks!

Oh my God ! Why did you push her ??

PINOY: It's ok...There's a lot of Beautiful Ladies in the PHILIPPINES

---

Lumulubog ang isang barko.

Captain: Magsikapit kayo!

sabay kapit lahat sa kanya

Captain: Bakit sakin kayo kumakapit?

Pasahero: Tanga ka ba? Kapitan ka nga diba?