[mikoangelo]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
 
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

 Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve."

"And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the $%#@k happened to Billy?"

--
Korny na mga sources ng jokes natin 

[bloomerman]

NANAY: Mga anak, halika na kayo… Kain na tayo.
PANGANAY: Ano po ang ulam?
NANAY: Corned beef!
BUNSO: Bakit po maalat?
NANAY: Ssshhh!!! ‘Wag kang maingay! Bagoong ‘yan!  
Post Merge: Jun 27, 2012, 02:00 AMA little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

    The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

    The little girl replied, “My homework.”

[mikoangelo]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. And that's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
---

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense?"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh#t."

---

Upon entering the confessional, a young blonde woman spilled the beans. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me, seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
---

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization…

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurants’ owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant.”

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of ‘you know what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent.”

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

[kithe]

AMERICAN ENGLISH:

Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:

kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

[nanashi]

^lolz

But the appropriate translation.

Sige Kain lang, Huwag na mahiya, Halos magkapatid na turing natin sa isa't isa.

[el_cid6549]

One day, Erap saw Cory reading a book on Logic.

Erap: Cory, mahirap ata yang binabasa mo?

Cory: Hindi, logic lang to, madali lang.

Erap: Ano ba yang logic, di ko ata alam.

Cory: Ganito lang yan. May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?

Erap: Oo!

Cory: Kung may aquarium ka, edi mahilig ka sa isda?

Erap: Oo.

Cory: At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat?

Erap: Oo.

Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo sa beach?

Erap: Oo.

Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa beach, e mahilig ka sa seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit?

Erap: Oo naman.

Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, lalakeng-lalake ka?

Erap: Oo!

Cory: At kung lalakeng-lalake ka, edi macho ka?

Erap: Oo.

Cory: Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang Logic!

Erap: Okay pala yang logic na yan ah!

The next day, Erap saw Piolo P.

Erap: Piolo, subukan ko lang itong itinuro sa aking Logic ni Cory.

Piolo: Sige nga!

Erap: May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?

Piolo: Wala.

Erap: BAKLA KA NGA!
Post Merge: Jul 01, 2012, 10:58 PM

[mikoangelo]

THE PREGNANT PINAY

A pregnant Pinay was involved in a car accident in Toronto and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she awoke she realized that she was no longer pregnant and frantically asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins!A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from the Philippines flew in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor said. The new mother thought, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asked the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replied,

"Denephew."

---

Ale: Doc, meron po akong brownish discharge.
Parang na- infect.
Duktor: Gaano kadalas makipagtalik
Ale: Once a year po.
Duktor: Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!!

---
CENSUS officer: Mrs, ilan bang anak nyo?
MRS: 14 po.
CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Di ba kayo gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal orhythm?
MRS: Hindi po, kwan lang po ng mister ko talaga!

---
Loi: "Love, may mga friends ako na nagpa-enhance ng boobs.
Okey lang ba sayo kung magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, parang hindi yata bagay sa'yo
ang tatlong boobs!!!"

---

WIFE: Doc, bakit lumalabas ang mga ugat sa bird ng mister ko?
DOC: Varicose veins yon!
WIFE: Anong cause nun?
DOC: Pareho din sa legs mo....pag laging nakatayo!!!

 

[bloomerman]

Boy: Katulong ka ba?

Girl: Bakit? Gusto mo akong maging katulong sa buhay mo? Payag ako,
        makapiling lang kita!

Boy: Hindi kita kailangan sa buhay ko! Kamukha mo kasi ‘yung ibinalita sa TV, katulong
        na wanted sa pagnanakaw!

 

[kithe]

Teacher: Ok class, only Juan got 99/100...

Juan: oha! Ano kau ngaun?! Mamundok nlang kau! Magtanim nlang kau ng kamote mga bobo! Mga walang pnag aralan, mga ubod ng tanga! Bkit hndi p kau mgpakamatay?!

Teacher: The rest got 100.

Wahaha.

[mikoangelo]

Use ADIEU in a sentence.

If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.


Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.

(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?


Use AFFECT in a sentence.

Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.


Use PAUL four times in a sentence.

PAUL, be care PAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.


Use DELETION in a sentence.

The balat of DELETION is crispy.


Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.

At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.


Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.

I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.


Use IRAQ, EGYPT, and IRAN in a sentence.

I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then IRAN.


Use DEFLATE in a sentence.

Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?


Use PERSUADING in a sentence.

Jack and Jill got married on Mar. 1, 2005. So on Mar. 1, 2006, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.


Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT,and DETAIL in a sentence.

DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE; first DEFEAT, and the DETAIL.


Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.

Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

[kithe]

Sa party, nilapitan ng isang gwapong lalaki ang isang babaeng nakaupo sa isang tabi :

Lalaki : sasayaw ka ba ?

*tuwang tuwa ang babae at tumayo..

babae : oo, sasayaw ako!

lalaki : hay salamat! paupo ako ah?

HAHAH,lols

Post Merge: Jul 02, 2012, 09:23 PMN0EL: ipapangalan
ko s aking anak
"LE0N" baliktad ng
N0EL.

NIN0: sa akin "0NIN"
baliktad ng NINO.


T0T0: huwag ninyo
ak0ng maisali-sali jan s usapan ny0!
hehe

====

buLag at duLing magsusuntukan!


buLag: hay0p ka
duLing! Lumabas ka dyan,wag kang magtago sa diLim!


duLing: in ur
dreams! Bakit ako lalaBas eh daLawa kayo!

====

[mikoangelo]

A very loud unattractive mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter says,

"Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

"Hell no they ain't! Oldest is 9 and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind, or stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice".

---

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say:

 "You're next."
---

Napost ko na yata to dati e..anyway..

Who knows if its true - but it funny!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word (just replaced some words with non-offensive ones) , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
---
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
---
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
---
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:&nb! sp; We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
---
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
---
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
---
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you fooling' me?
---
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: ! ; Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
---
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you fooling me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
---
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
---
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
W! ITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
---
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
---
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
---
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined th! e body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
---
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
---
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that ! the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[bauer]

mikoangelo,

sobrang tawa ko sa jokes especially about the lawyers' part.

Now i know the REAL difference between GUTS and BALLS..... talo mo pa ang webster.

[kithe]

may bata bibili ng lugaw

Bata: pabili ng lugaw
Tindera; may laman o wala
Bata: syempre may laman pakain ko sa
yo ang mangkok eh.

=====

Girl nangungulangot sa jeep...

Lola: anong kinukuha mo ineng?
Girl: nursing po...
Lola: ah.. akala ko kulangot..

=====

Amo: inday nasaan yung sabon namin sa banyo?
ginamit mo ba?
Inday: with due respect,
i will not allow my skin to be touched by
that highly commercialized so called
anti-bacterial soap. Only belo touches my skin,
who touches yours? safeguard?
Amo; letche lumayas ka nga!!!

=====

Bata: pabili pong ubas...
tindera: wala kaming ubas

kinabukasan

bata: pabili nga pong ubas
tindera: wala nga kaming ubas..isa pang
tanung iiistepler ko na yang bibig mo

kinabukasan

bata: may istepler kau?
Tindera: wala bakit?
bata: Pabiling ubas

=====

totoo ba na ang gwapo at maganda ay mahina sa
isfelling at
grammers?
my gas!
did they sure?
wat does they proof?
it hurts me
i am not belief of diss.
does u?

======

Bumibili: (pasigaw) pabili pong SAFEGUARD
Tindera: (galit na sumigaw) wag kang sumigaw jan!!!
hindi ako bingi!! anong SIMCARD? globe o smart?

======

sabi ng hangin mabait ka daw
sabi ng dagat malambing ka daw
sabi ng ilog at bundok cute ka daw
tama nga ang hinala ko...

sira na ang kalikasan

=======

Boy: Sir apply akong sundalo!!
Officer: hindi puwede!! ang dami mong sirang
ngipin bungi bungi ka pa
Boy: bakit ser? ang gyera ba ngayon?
kagatan na?

=======

hinahanap ng mga NPA sina Juan, pedro at berting
Nagtago sila sa sako sa bodega ng kamote

NPA: san n kaya sila? hmm.. baka nagtatago lang ang mga yun dito

Sinipa ang sako 1

Juan: meow meow
NPa: Pusa lang pala

Sinipa ang sako 2

Pedro: arf ! arf !
NPA: aso lang pala

Sinipa pang sako 3

Berting; tahimik walang reaksyon

Sinipa ulit yung sako 3

Berting: wala ulit reaksyon

Sinipa ng sinipa ang sako 3

Berting: tang ina naman oh!! kamote ako..
wala akong sound!!!

=======

    

[Palamig]

Sa Barding House, lasing na ang mga boardmates.. at nakatulog na ang lahat ng biglang dumating si Juan... at...

Juan            :Mga pare!!!! gising na kayo parang awa lang o... delikado tayo...
Board Mates :Huh?  Anu un Juan? May sunog ba?

Juan            :Ina antok na ako tulog na tayo.